Friday, 7 March 2014

I've had enough

What I really want to shout out loud right now is I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

Yep, I've had enough. I've had a gut-full. The last straw has finally descended.

I've had enough of pretending that everything is okay. Each time I drive past the swimming pool on my way into town, I feel a wild urge to throw myself in it and scream under water where no-one can hear me. Because everything is not okay.

I've had enough of small-minded people, ignorantly believing the first thing they are told, allowing themselves to be so easily convinced, just because it is convenient for them to do so.

I've had enough of adults believing, like children, that the truth is black and white. Of not being able to accept that Truth is blurry; that it is a whole kaleidoscope of colours and perspectives.

I've had enough of being given unsolicited advice for every decision I have made as a parent. Of being told that I should not be co-sleeping, that I breastfeed too much, that my child should have a stricter routine.

I've had enough of trying my absolute best every single day and my best never, ever being good enough.

I've had enough of being criticised. Of feeling like I need to be three women all rolled into one to be able to live up to the unrealistic expectations set before me.

I've had enough of having my instincts as a mother constantly being second guessed.

I've had enough of my mother-in-law being as sweet as pie to everyone she meets, except the girl who took her son away from her. I've had enough of her being a smiling assassin; a snake in the grass. I've had enough of her competitiveness, her manipulation, her snide remarks when no-one else is there to hear. I've had enough of her holding back her sons, not letting them ever reach their full potential, keeping them forever as men-children, because she is so damn scared of being alone. I've had enough of her genuinely believing that women are inferior to men and of her planting that notion into each of her sons' subconscious.

I've had enough of people who measure everything in terms of dollar signs constantly asking me if I'm working, or when I'm returning to work. When I'm going to start contributing. I've had enough of them not acknowledging that the work I am doing is the most difficult, rewarding and important job in the entire world. To do it well is the greatest contribution I could possible give to society. I'm just not getting paid for it.

I've had enough of hypocrites. Of people who preach forgiveness but don't practise it. Of still being judged for mistakes I made years ago.

I've had enough of allowing others to project their insecurities onto me to deflect them away from themselves.

I've had enough of measuring my self esteem in terms of what other people think of me.

I've had enough of being yelled at. I am almost 31 years old. I am so damn tired of being yelled at.

I've had enough of being blamed, directly or indirectly, for everything that goes wrong.

I've had enough of feeling guilty. I imagine that has to do with the aforementioned. It probably also has something to do with being brought up on a strict diet of Catholic doctrine. Either way, I've had enough.

I've had enough of myself. For having allowed my buttons to be pushed. For having reacted. For allowing others to bring out the worst in me. For letting stressful circumstances turn me, at times, into an impatient parent.

I've had enough of feeling like I can never truly express myself on my own blog for fear of offending someone or disappointing them.

I've had enough of busting my gut to write about everything from a warm and fuzzy, silly, sweet or tongue-in-cheek perspective just because that's what a good girl would do.

Today I'm not feeling warm or fuzzy or silly or sweet.

Today I just want to scream.

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

This was a Finish the Sentence Friday post.

So what would you really like to scream out loud at the moment? Feel free to let your hair down and have a rant in the comment box!